Who has been praying for me??

I have been noticing that the last several weeks have been....better. Better than what? you may ask? Better than the summer? Better than one, or two, or three months post-partum? I don't know exactly. Just, better.

Lately 24 hours in a day feels just about right. It's a good feeling to be able to approach most days as a gift and a learning opportunity. Not just 24 hours to survive. Because for the first few months after Emmett was born, I was totally in survival mode. Improving/learning/growing didn't seem at all like what I was doing for probably at least four months after May 28th. No, I was definitely just surviving. Trying to ride out the postpartum hormones, trying to give myself to my baby, my husband, and my other kids while at the same time tending to all the household duties...whew, most days I felt like I was failing at some, if not all, of my duties. I was getting some concerned comments from friends and family members, and reading back on some of my posts I can see what might have caused them to worry. 

In my mind and heart, I also felt my like my spiritual life was going to the wayside. During the hardest days I wondered if having faith was more of a burden than a comfort. But as often is the case with difficult periods of life, looking back one recognizes more spiritual benefits than maybe were felt at the time. One thing that was extremely helpful was my going to confession last week for the first time since Emmett was born. I felt a rush of forgiveness and love, as I always do after confession! But I also felt like I could finally forgive myself for not feeling stronger or more stoic in my recent sufferings. I walked away that day feeling like God loves me for all my efforts, even the tiniest ones. I also felt forgiven for the times when I suffered poorly. As with most people, I can be really hard on myself sometimes and that self-criticism started creeping over into criticism of others. 

One thing that's hard to admit is that I need to speak my needs more clearly to those around me and not just expect them to understand me. To my husband, to my kids, to my extended family members, and even to my friends. I am a fan of the idea that people can read my mind, and that they should more often darn it! But of course, this is a ridiculous expectation :) It's a sure way of setting myself up for failure, as well as allowing other people to disappoint me over and over again. 

This is the exact opposite of how I want to live my life. I don't want to be a victim. Yes, I know I'm going to fail at a lot of things. Yes, other folks in my life are going to let me down. I think I'm finally at a point in my life where understand the implications of this fact. It doesn't always lessen the blow of being disappointed, but it sure speeds up the part where I stand up and dust myself off and move on! It also helps to know that one has to learn to achieve a level of detachment from other people's sins and failings. If I focus on those, I can never be content. I must focus on remedying my own sins first. This is the only way to maintain hope; in myself, and in others. Hope is renewed through forgiveness, detachment, and of course, love. 

In recent weeks, I've been happy. At the end of even the hardest days I can take a moment to evaluate my life and ultimately feel good about myself, my decisions, and my future. I feel more willing to forgive myself. I feel more willing to forgive others. What has changed? A few notable things:

1 I've felt myself reaching out to Mike much, much quicker after we have a disagreement, instead of sulking for as long as possible before it's not fun anymore. (Well, it's never fun, but sulking tends to be one of go-to responses to conflict) I'm not sure what prompted this change. I guess I got tired of taking so long to get over small infractions. Also, I just really, really, really love him. I finally realized that it's not loving to be overly critical or offended so easily.

2. I've found myself willing to try a new parenting technique sooner rather than dragging out a technique that is clearly not working. I've also forgiven myself sooner for having a bad day of parenting. The great thing with little kids is that every day is a new day. You can try again to be better, they will forgive you and still desire so much to please you. I want to be the kind of mother they deserve.

3. I've found myself comfortable with the fact that I am going to be tired most days, and even more tired other days. So what? Most people in this stage of life are walking around at least a little bit tired. I am more willing to take my weary soul and body to Jesus and rest in him. "Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest" -Matthew 11:28. Those days when I'm physically tired, I feel more accepting that this is just a phase in life and one day I will have all the rest I want. I'll probably miss these dog tired days more than I can imagine right now.

4. I've found a few new ways to guard my heart and protect myself from damaging conversations and attitudes. Though I've not been perfect in this area, I've really started to discipline myself in the articles I click on, and the voices I let into my head and heart. Does that article look like it's going to make me really mad? Does that article seem like it's going to depress me? I think I'll pass :) Does that person make me second guess my decisions or myself? I'll go ahead and block them from my facebook for a while, until I can get my emotions under control. It's okay to guard my heart.

5. I've found that housework/maintaining clean spaces is still important to me. I tried for a long time to not let it bother me. Maybe I could be one of those moms who's normal state of the house is Messy. Like this very popular Huffington Post article I saw pop up everywhere last week.  But ultimately, I can't. I like keeping my house tidy. I think that's okay. Know thyself, right? 

It's not okay to bark at my family members when they mess up my preciously clean house, but it IS okay to set up reasonable expectations. Mike and I have been putting more effort into getting the kids to help clean their areas and help us with chores. We have also had many talks about the reasonable expectations we have for each other. I hate waking up Monday morning to a huge mess, and Mike knows this. He tries to help clean up Sunday night so I can wake up feeling good about the day and the week. I am more willing to forgive the clothes on the floor in our room, and letting the house go a little more over the weekends. Otherwise I look like the cleaning Nazi, and no one enjoys that. 

But ultimately, I can't let my house go. It's important to me! I *think* am at a good place with this. A Clean House with Four Kids is obviously different than A Clean House with No Kids, but it is still something I (a naturally tidy person) can live with!

***

All this is not to say that I'm 100% content every day. I wish I could deliver that kind of evaluation! No no no...you see, just two nights ago, (Sunday night) I lost my cool. I got upset with my husband over something silly. I said mean words to him. I apologized the next day - but hey, I still said them. I yelled at my kids at bedtime and my confidence slipped about how I was going to handle all my responsibilities. So, I feel like I need to make sure you know that nothing is 100% rosy. Still, I know that I have turned a corner. Even when I slip, I don't feel like I'm going to stay down for long. 

So, there is much goodness to report on in my household at the moment. I'm tempted to ask...Who Has Been Praying for Me?? It seriously feels like someone is.

If it was you, thank you. Motherhood is a big roller coaster of emotions, but I appreciate these times when life feels good and manageable. 

*I should add this: if you are going through a rough patch; whether it's in mothering, or fathering, or parenting, or at work, or whatever it is; you CAN and SHOULD ask someone to pray for you. It makes a difference. I don't know who is praying for me, but I can FEEL that someone is. EVERYONE needs someone to pray for them. This too Shall Pass, and it shall pass sooner if you have holy men and women praying for you. Ask and you shall receive.
(If you reach out to me I will pray for you)

7 Quick Takes

Well it's Saturday night and I find myself with a little time so here was last week in quick takes!

-1-

This little munchkin is getting pretty busy. He loves to grab, slobber, laugh, talk, giggle, snort, snore, reach, and now he's rolling over both ways! Where oh where does the time go? He will be 6 months on the 28th. It's such a conundrum. How can every day feel SO full and SO busy, and sometimes VERY overwhelming, and yet I wake up most days and can't believe I have and almost 6 year old and an almost 6 month old! Time is such a funny thing. I know I've said that many times on this blog.

-2-

These boys!

So Michael, as usual, has been a handful. He's still a sweet guy though, and he's so cute with Emmett. He really loves him. We've never had a problem with jealousy what-so-ever. Another thing lately going on with Michael is his vocabulary is really expanding all of a sudden! We knew it was just a matter of time before he would make some big break, and now we're at that point where every time I turn around he's saying something new, and you can really see him making that effort to try new words and use them repeatedly. I love how he says, "Big", "pink", "broke" and "home". He's saying three word sentences like "big choo choo broked" (like in the Little Engine that Could) and "Josie boo-boo me" (Josie hurt me.)

-3-

I have been wanting to blog for over a week now, but now that I actually have some time, my brain is feeling like mush! I suppose 10:45 on a Saturday night will do that too you. I wish I could just stop now but like I said, I've been wanting to bbbblllllooooogggggg. I have things I want to remember! Remember, my brain is already mush. I don't know what it's going to be like when these kids are grown ups!

-4-

This was last Tuesday. My mom came over in the morning and we went out and about for a little while with the kids. It was a pretty fun day. I snapped these when she had just pulled up. They sure do love my mom. 

-5-

So. Many. Leaves!

"mmmmm, tasty!"

It's strange to me that it's already mid-November. There are so many leaves in our yard. This was from earlier in the week though, and Mike has made some good progress since then.

-6-

Instead of blogging, or watching a movie, or doing anything really - I should be working on these peg dolls! I am doing an exchange with 11 other friends so I should get going! I am doing St. Basil. I like how his eyes turned out but I've still got a lot of work to go!

-7-

Since Mike was going to a Poker Night tonight with friends I decided to rent This Movie. This is my kind of movie. I love Action/Suspense/Sci Fy or Dramas. I don't care as much for Comedy's, Romantic Comedy's, or sad Dramas. And I don't like war movies. I can only handle about one war movie a year. Also, I pretty much refuse to watch a movie under 7 stars on IMDB. I really hate bad movies. 

But now, I'm off to watch it. Mike is home from his game night and I spent the whole time on facebook and blogging. Up side is I get to watch it WITH Mike. Down side - we're going to be up so late! 

How do you choose a movie with your significant other? Do you usually agree on the genre or do you have to switch off? I'd love to hear!

Info about moi

Yesterday afternoon felt like it moved by in slow motion. It was a no bueno day. After dinner, dropping off our ballots, and Mike returning from his Knights of Columbus meeting, I laid down to nurse Emmett to sleep at 9:30pm and didn't wake up again until the next morning. For reals.

Today has gone decidedly better, but still this morning felt a little slow motion. Not sure what I need other than more coffee. But the half and half is gone so, NOT COOL man. One thing that got me smiling late yesterday afternoon was reading Grace and Briana's posts. Easy fun, in my world. Much laughs.
 So here goes. While the kids nap (because, they are ALL currently asleep. heck yeah)

1. I'm 29.

2. I like babies.

3. I like taking naps.

4. I became Catholic at the Easter vigil in 2006 at the Newman Center at WSU.

5. I got my hair cut about 5 weeks ago pretty short, but I've really not been happy with the cut. The idea was to make it much easier to do in the morning because I never have enough time to do anything but put it in a pony tail. Because the truth is I STILL usually put it in a ponytail even though it's a lot shorter and a little stubby ponytail. So... I'd really like to get it cut like this:

what do you think...should I go snow?

I think I'm too scared. I've never had it cut that short. But folks - I HAVE NO TIME! I think it needs to be chopped.

6. I've never owned anything Apple.

7. I take that back - I forgot about my ipod mini in college. But no Apple laptops or ipads or phones.

8. I'm not that much into music. Mike, who was homeschooled, has introduced me to the majority of the music I listen to today. He has good taste in music. I mention that he was homeschooled because I think people assume if you went to public school you'd know all about certain things and if you were homeschooled you'd know nothing about other things, but in many surprising ways this is not true between the two of us.

9. I loved my college years but if I could do it again I wish I would have gone to a smaller school where I could have known everyone in my graduating class. I think that would be rather cool and well suited to my personality. Thankfully I go to a small church where I pretty much know everybody :)

10. I bite my fingernails.

11. I love iconography. My mother in law is an amazing iconographer and one day, when my kids are a little older, I want to learn. I doubt I'll ever be as good as her though.

12. My favorite time of day is dusk.

13. My favorite meal is a tuna melt with chips on the side and coke.

14. My favorite healthy-ish meal would be the tuna with veggies instead of that bread, chips, and soda ;)

15. My daughter Louisa is so much like me it's kind of scary. Except that she's my daughter, so it's not really that scary. But it's still weird to me sometimes to look at her and think, "hi me" ;)

16. When I first saw the guy I would end up marrying I had a really strange thought. I saw him and his twin brother one time after mass and they were dressed up so nicely (dress shirts, ties, slacks) This made them stand out somewhat because it was a college town so very few people actually dressed up for mass. Anyway, I thought he and his brother must be these two business guys that I had heard were coming into town to start a new coffee shop. Later when I found out they were just regular old engineering students I laughed so hard at myself.

17. I am really good at recognizing celebrities in movies when they were younger or actors who play really small roles in some show and appear in another show. Mike usually disagrees with me and then we look it up on IMDB and I take such pleasure when I'm right (which is most of the time)

18. I have been to London by myself. Traveling alone is really weird, and I didn't like it at all. I cried a few times in my bed and breakfast. Especially since it was my first time out in Europe and I was actually a really dumb traveler. For example, I drained my bank account accidentally and had to call my mom to put more money in there for the rest of my three week trip!

19. I have no desire to travel right now. None. I'm sure the travel bug will bite again. Maybe when I'm 40 or so and if there are no babies at that point.

20. I love that I have two girls and two boys. I would really really like to have a girl next. (baby girl clothes! gah!)

21. I not-so-secretly love kissy photos. I remember the first one Mike and I took as boyfriend and girlfriend. I made Mike blush so much when I suggested we take one. ;)  (I'm also quite fond of b&w)

22. Making this is way more fun for me than it should be. But I do need to hurry. I hear a little boy saying in a groggy voice..."wa-wa mommy?" (water)

23. I now have a two year old boy named after his father in my lap :)

24. I have always loved the name Michael. It's the only name I remember thinking about when I was younger and I didn't really even know that many Michael's growing up.

25. Pears are my favorite fruit.

26. I am really close with my paternal grandma and grandpa.

27. I don't like messes.

28. I love talk radio.

29. I don't currently wear a head covering to mass/liturgy but I've been thinking a lot about it lately for some reason. I kind of want to try. If nothing else, maybe if I get my hair cut and hate it I'll wear one all the time! ;)

30. The thing I'm most grateful for in my life is the gift of faith I received as a 19 year old college student. I had no idea I wanted it or needed it but now life seems like it would be monumentally hard if I didn't have it.

31. The second thing I'm most grateful for is my amazing husband. He's the best and I know that 90% of the happiness I have had, and will have in my life is because of him.

College student or business man? circa 2006 ;) ha!

Some Halloween fun

On the Sunday before Halloween, my grandparents let us know about a little waterfront event where they were handing out candy to kids dressed up. So after liturgy, we met them down there (along with my dad), got a delicious seafood lunch, and had the kids walk around a bit. We ended up not staying too long because it started to rain pretty hard, and it was windy, but they still had a good time. Then, to mommy and daddy's delight, we still got home in enough time for a nap before dinner time! Yes yes, sometimes we are pretty spoiled.

I don't know what it is but Halloween seems to be more fun the older I get. I don't like how our culture has messed up so much of the holiday, and made it into something waaaaayyy too commercial (since when did we start having 4 entire AISLES devoted to Halloween paraphernalia?) But something else seems to be driving my excitement. I like a lot of Halloween movies. And it's fun seeing my kids be excited about it. So I guess that's it. Also, we've started this little tradition with friends to come over for a nice dinner then go trick or treating around our neighborhood.

Some cute "Frozen" characters. 

Way too much candy! I usually let them eat a few pieces a day for a few days then it will "go away". They didn't really notice or care last year so I'm hoping they're still young enough to not notice!

Emmett didn't really have a costume so I didn't get many pictures of him on Halloween so here's a gratuitous photo of him today ;) He had a well-child check up on Halloween though and he now weighs 17.5lbs! (5 months) Big, sweet boy!

Until next year....

Happy Halloween!